New Year, New Love: What I Gained From Celibacy
Soooo…. It’s been 9 whole months, 9 months since I’ve decided to be celibate. 9 months is a long time, especially when you’re celibate while in a relationship. It’s one thing to be celibate and single and it’s another to be celibate and in a relationship. I talk to a lot of people about my relationship and how we’re celibate together and I get the same questions. Did y’all decide to be celibate together? Do y’all stay the night together? How long are y’all planning to stay celibate? I’m sure there are other questions, but those are the ones I get the most. So, I wanted to answer these very questions for you guys!
Did y’all decide to be celibate together? No. If you read my blog post New Year, New Love: What I Gave Up On Love in 2018 then you know that my boyfriend was celibate before me. People are often shocked when I tell them it wasn’t my decision, it was his. He wrote something to share how/why he decided to be celibate and I wanted to share it with you.
“Prior to dating Yvette I was in a relationship that lasted for about two years. My goal like many single people was to find a mate with whom I could spend the rest of my life with. In short, I was looking for a wife. Like many of my previous relationships this one started out as a physical attraction which soon turned intimate. Afterwards, my ex and I tried to build a lasting romantic relationship based off our physical attraction. However, we quickly discovered that this would be very difficult. Difficult because we lacked a genuine friendship. More significantly, by putting physicality first it jaded the very thing that God designed to help guide and discern me in seeking the right relationship. That is the spirit. In Galatians 5:16 it mentions that the flesh and the spirit are contradictory to one another and that God doesn’t operate from the flesh but in spirit. As a believer, if I’m trying to discern if a person is meant to be in my life (especially in dating) then I too must operate from the spirit. I needed to clear out the distraction and confusion that sex often brings and allow clarity and stillness to hear from God. After that relationship ended I vowed that I would do things differently in my next relationship. I truly didn’t want to waste anymore time. Instead I’d allow God to guide me toward the person He designed for me. Listening to the spiritual discernment has lead me into a healthy and loving relationship with Yvette. A relationship built on genuine interest in learning one another on a deeper level. This is the type of relationship I am truly thankful for.”
There you have it guys! I knew all those things before we started dating. I knew he was looking for a wife, I knew he was celibate and I knew I had to be serious in this relationship. I prayed long and hard to make sure this is what I wanted. It wasn’t the smoothest transition from friends to dating, but we made it work!
Do y’all stay the night together? Well, for Rodney (that’s my boyfriend’s name btw) and I, sex is completely off the table. “You shouldn’t go into a celibate relationship thinking about not trying to have sex, that’ll never work. Instead you should place more value on all the other things you’ll be gaining from not having sex.” Rodney said that one day and it stuck ever since. I feel like when sex is on the table you go to your partners house with a 50/50 chance that you might be physical. For us, sex is not where the value lies right now. We are focused on building an amazing relationship where every moment together is spent learning more and more about each other. However, if you do not think you’re strong enough yet to stay the night, then I would advise setting boundaries because the temptation is real. I just keep reminding myself, the physical part of the relationship will come eventually and it’ll be even better! Also, we do pray together daily for strength, because at the end of the day we are human and we’ll always need strength from God for things like this. That leads me to my last question.
How long are y’all planning to be celibate? The beauty about being celibate is setting a timeline for everything. Our goal is to be celibate until we get married! Since we don’t want to be celibate for 5 years and we already know we want to marry each other, I’m looking at my finger for an engagement ring very soon lol. But seriously, Rodney and I often discuss our timeline for marriage so it helps having an end date in mind. I mentioned in my last blog that celibacy helps you see clearer. You can love the person and not lust for the person. You can pin point if your partner is marriage material. You have intent in your relationship. I’ve never seen more clearly in a relationship prior to this one and I’m counting down the days we can say, I do! Moral of the story, although it’s challenging there’s a lot to gain in being celibate. I’m glad I chose this journey and if you’re currently on the same journey, you got this and I’m praying for you!